Genuine Compassion
When you see someone, when you first meet someone you don’t truly know their story. What they may have experienced, what they’ve endured.
1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will experience sexual assault in their lifetime. 1 out of every 3 women you may speak with and 1 out of every 6 men you speak with may have experienced sexual assault. It happens to wives, doctors, the homeless, soldiers, students, daughters, teachers, uncles, construction workers, dancers…. anyone and everyone. Rape does not discriminate, no one is left untouched. It is something we can’t set ourselves apart from, not be invested in because it could happen to any one of us or any one of our loved ones. It is universal.
Being genuinely compassionate means living your life as if anyone you talk with may have experienced an assault. We live in a culture where sexual assault, rape and violence is often ignored, normalized and trivialized. And this happens every day. I’m speaking about rape culture. The way we collectively think about rape. Cultural practices we commonly engage in as a society that excuse or otherwise tolerate sexual violence when there is no place on earth it should be excused. And this is dangerous because it is utterly counterproductive to eliminating sexual violence from our community, our culture, our world.
I’m speaking about journalists who substitute the word “sex” for “rape” – as if they’re the same thing. People who believe that women or men “allow themselves to be raped.” Calling college students or anyone who has the courage to report their rapes liars. Assuming that false reporting for sexual assault cases are the norm, when in reality, they’re only 2-8%, which is on par with grand theft auto. Only 3% of rapists ever serving a day in jail. Sexual assault prevention education programs that focus on women being told to take measures to prevent rape instead of men being told not to rape. People believing it’s not possible for men to be raped.
Being mindful and compassionate means speaking with every person as if they may be a survivor. And when you speak with a survivor, none of what I wrote above makes any sense. If our brother, our mother, our son were raped we would never dream of calling them liars, we would never believe they allowed themselves to be raped, that it’s not possible for men to be raped…
Speaking with a survivor involves making psychological safety a priority. No matter who you’re talking with, you need to speak with them from a place of no ego, no judgment and complete and utter compassion and understanding. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, respect and compassion. Everyone has an inherent worth and is worthy of our support. This means speaking with warmth and acknowledging their strength and courage because simply sharing what happened is courageous. This involves not pressuring or pushing them but letting them know when they’re ready you’ll be here to listen, that you genuinely want to hear what they have to say. You need to allow more pauses and listen more than you speak.
You need to be mindful of the types of questions you’re asking. This involves asking open-ended questions, not why questions, which only makes them feel in some way it was their fault and that they could have done something to prevent it from happening. This includes validating them and always saying I believe you with men and women from all backgrounds, sexual orientations, professions, religious beliefs and ethnicities.
If we spoke with everyone keeping this in mind and if we spoke with every person as if they were our sister, our closest friend, our son who may have experienced an assault, can you imagine the world we’d live in?Every one of us is a component of a larger community, a common culture. How we live our day to day lives has a butterfly affect on those around us. One person is capable of profound change. Because simply one person speaking this way with someone who may have been assaulted profoundly alters that survivor’s life. For that person this is something they’ve been living with for a day, a month, a year, 20 years or 50 years. Someone speaking with them with warmth means the world to them.
And this carries directly over to domestic violence survivors. Domestic abuse survivors need warmth, empathy and an environment utterly free from judgement. We can't push or ask why haven't you left, what good will that do? It will only make them feel unsafe and make it that much harder for them to ask for help in the future. And who are we to ask why don't you leave? If we were them, trapped in a cycle of blaming, minimizing, intimidation, fear while still always desperately hoping that things can change it would be just as overwhelming and feel just as insurmountable to simply ask for help. It is not our place to judge however it is our place to remind them they are worthy and they do deserve someone who loves unconditionally. And it's not our place to tell them what to do. No one knows their situation better than themselves. But we can be supportive, patient, and help them realize what their options are and what resources are out there. We can help them realize they aren't trapped and that they have the strength to leave and make a new life for themselves. What I like to ask survivors about is their children or their future children. What kind of relationship do you want for them? And then I have them picture that and I like to tell them they deserve that same kind of relationship based on unconditional love.
For survivors of sexual assault or domestic violence in Washtenaw County please know SafeHouse Center provides shelter, counseling, advocacy and support. SafeHouse exists because it deeply believes in supporting and empowering all survivors.
And for all the survivors out there and the family and friends of survivors I bow down to you. And when I say survivor I mean survivor. Whatever your situation may be, the scars you bear don’t take away from who you are but instead make you into something stronger, more resilient, more compassionate. Whether you’re in an abusive relationship or have just gotten out of one or if you were assaulted yesterday, last week or two years ago doesn’t make a difference-every single person is a survivor.
For all of you I hope this is a quote you take to heart, one that I hold close to my heart.
From Little Bee by Chris Cleave
“On the girl’s brown legs there were many small white scars. I was thinking, Do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and moons on your dress? I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, ‘I survived’. In a few breaths’ time I will speak some sad words to you. But you must hear them as we have agreed to see scars now. Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means the storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvellous, and then she will turn round and smile.”
NAMASTE
