You don’t realize just how vital every part of your body is and how interconnected your system is until one part simply won’t listen to you and stops working. Thankfully, my stomach has finally recovered today.
Today, I’m simply grateful to be able to sit here writing with no nausea. And very grateful I was well enough to go to New Light’s creche cum shelter in the afternoon and visit Sonar Tori tonight and spend all evening with the girls there.
Just a little background on Sonar Tori again. Young women over the age of 18 are still at an incredibly vulnerable point in their lives. Many cannot return home to their mothers who work in the sex industry or are homeless and are at increased risk of being forced into prostitution or being forced into an early marriage.
The purpose of Sonar Tori is to provide young women age 18-25 with safe shelter and to also help them pursue higher education and acquire professional skills that will allow them to gain financial independence and become self sufficient.
Many of these young women come from abusive backgrounds, either rescued as young girls from the trafficking world themselves or their mothers were in the sex industry and they were placed in Soma Home before joining Sonar Tori.
One of the volunteers here, Zack, works with the Red Cross. A part of his work with them is providing first aid training. So he put together a first aid presentation he’s presenting to the staff of New Light and a few of the shelters. I added in a women’s health portion on sexual assault and feminine hygiene/UTI’s/yeast infections.
We were able to discuss the role of a friend, a family member in this situation. And I wanted to preface this by saying, "you’re welcome to leave the room at any time if this conversation becomes triggering in any way."
What if someone comes to you and shares they’ve been sexually assaulted? First, its something we all sadly understand is universal, I’m sure you understand the profound impact this can have on someone’s life. The importance of having a support network.
Initially, if someone comes to you, you want to make psychological and physical safety a priority. You want to make sure someone stays with them, reasures them they are in a safe place, let them know when they’re ready to talk you’re here to listen and if they do open up, simply listen without judgement, with empathy and validate-say I believe you. Listen as often as they need to talk as the survivor is trying to replay and make sense of what happened. Be clear-this was not the survivors fault.
Tell them what their options are- this may simply be going to the emergency room for treatment of physical injuries and STI and pregnancy prevention, which is very important. Many times women may not realize immediately the full extent of their injuries due to shock. Another option may include reporting the assault to the police, again this is ultimately the survivors choice. Initially, I wouldn’t push the woman to go to the hospital but may say, it couldn’t hurt to go to the hospital, I’m concerned about your well being and simply want what’s best for you and to make sure you’re emotionally taken care of as well as physically. If at any point, it becomes too much for you, you have the right to say stop, I need a break.
Please get help if the survivor is suicidal. This is not only on you to take care of this person, remember you have a network here. You are each other’s best advocates here at Sonar Tori.
And please, please - take care of yourself. This is something I need to constantly remind myself of. It’s not simply a luxury to take care of ourselves, it is not selfish. In order to be there for others in the way they deserve, it is essential that we refill our own cup and take care of ourselves.
I had discussed with Urmi beforehand, what to incorporate into this talk, I had discussed with her more in depth these young women's backgrounds and their familiarity with this issue. And knowing these young women's backgrounds, I wanted to make a point of reminding them they were welcome to leave the room at any time, if any part of the talk became overwhelming or simply uncomfortable. Together Urmi and I decided to focus on what these women can do to help each other-to empower them-to remind them of the safety and the support they're capable of providing for each other, for anyone in need.
In addition to this, Emmy and I had created a self-esteem/empowerment outline-focused on creating discussion amongst the young women.
To begin with we asked the women just to say their name and something they love doing and we shared as well. And then we asked the girls, how would you describe empowerment? And how would you describe self esteem?
One of the young women said empowerment is standing up for yourself, which I loved hearing. And I love how Emmy, one the volunteers described self-esteem. She said everyone has strengths and weaknesses and that's perfectly normal. “One of my strengths is I’m passionate, one of my weaknesses is that I tend to by shy and that sometimes prevents me from speaking my mind or taking advantage of incredible opportunities. Self-esteem is about embracing our strengths but also accepting our weaknesses and channeling our energy into overcoming some of those weaknesses.”
In direct correlation with this, we had the young women write down 5 things they were proud of about themselves and we did as well. We wanted to create a safe environment for these girls, a place where we didn’t simply ask for them to be vulnerable without giving anything in return. And we also wanted them to gain a better sense of who we are. It’s not always easy opening up even with loved ones, let alone people you’ve only met once before. We wanted to make this discussion as supportive, as safe, as non-judgmental as possible.
One component of that is simply having a better understanding of those you’re sharing with.
Everyone was welcome to share but no was pressured into opening up, we wanted to create a free form discussion-one where girls felt comfortable to jump in, to get excited, to talk over each other.
One of the girls wrote down she was proud to be a girl and a daughter. One wrote down how she was proud of being empathetic, how she always wants to understand what others are experiencing. One wrote down she was proud of her voice, her singing. And the other young women convinced her to sing for us, a traditional Bollywood song, which was captivating-wish I could share an audio recording with you. These young girls have so much spirit-are so utterly unique and each one is captivating in their own way. One young woman, who was initially reluctant to share-shared she was proud of her patience and all the girls chimed in, explaining how she works at the Starfish day care center and how good she is with all the children, how much they all love her. And I loved to see this, other girls reminding each other what they have a special talent for. So often, others see things in us, we have a hard time recognizing in ourselves.
We transitioned into sharing what we all hope to become-we invited them to either write a response or draw a picture-whatever they liked.
Some girls wanted to travel, others wanted to be dance teachers or elementary school or high school teachers, one said she wanted to be a pilot, a few included they’d love to be fashion designers, one of the young women shared she would love to be nurse and another young lady shared she wanted to work in hotel management and be able to tell everyone else what to do:)
I shared how much staying generous and thoughtful means to me and how much nursing means to me, what it means to be there with a patient when they’re at their most vulnerable. No matter their response-anger, frustration, bitterness, confusion-I shared how important it is to always be patient and empathetic, to simply put yourself in the other person’s shoes. I shared how much becoming a mother means to me-adopting and having my own. And what respect I have for my own mom, for any mother. I bow down to their patience, unconditional love and warmth.
Each of us, Zack, Emmy, Sam and I wanted to be honest with these girls. It was a way to show them we felt safe with them and how much we appreciated them opening up with us. One simple way we had of saying thank you was reciprocating.
Afterwards one of the young women shared - I had forgotten just how much I wanted to do with my life. Another young woman shared so many days she comes home, a little defeated after a long day at school or work. But to be here and simply acknowledge what she has to be proud of, it’s a good feeling she said, a very good feeling for a change. We encouraged the girls to post these at their bedside-to remind themselves of all they’re capable of.
Zack stressed the girl’s ability to advocate for themselves, to stand up for themselves and their ability to stand up for each other.
And I wanted to make a point of thanking each girl that shared. “Because all of us, all of you, have something to offer this world. You are unique and special and have something in you no one else can offer. Please remember this. “
These young women have so much life in them and have so much to offer this world. They are warm and welcoming and make a point of making masala chai for us each time we come with these delicious biscuits. They are a genuine joy to be around.
A couple of the young women are still taking traditional indian dance classes. And a few times a year, New Light, puts on a performance with the children and young women from the different shelters, including Sonar Tori. They were able to show us some stunning photos of their performances. And these two young women, Supria and Krishna, were very generous and showed us one of their dances.
In traditional indian dancing, there is such attention to detail. Each hand, each finger, each foot, each arm has a purpose, a very exact positioning which always melds beautifully into the next movement. This takes a great deal of dedication and time to learn these dances. I have such respect for the hours and years it’s taken these girls to learn them.
And I could see how much they loved dancing as they performed. When I watch dance that’s my favorite part of the performance, seeing the dancers who genuinely enjoy dancing.
Both of these young women are stunning dancers. But they don't dance like they're stunning dancers. I find the dancers I love watching the most, the one’s my eyes are drawn to, are the ones who dance for themselves. They’re not dancing for the audience, they’re not trying to get the audience to focus on just watching them. They’re dancing simply because they love dancing, because they’re trying to tell a story… These women were in their own little world and they simply enjoyed themselves.
I was able to take a video of their dance-I hope you enjoy!
And they invited me to their traditional indian dance class this Sunday:)